Fears are normal, but don't let them take over.

I've been thinking about how much life is going to change once the fraggle makes their appearance (still only 1 baby in there - but still don't know boy/girl.) Our lives are going to change, for the better, but nonetheless, they will change. I fear some of the changes sometimes and how I will react to them, or how I will handle them. I worry sometimes that what I have been trained to teach other people I may not be able to execute myself. Why should I be worried about that? There is no logical reason for it.

I get worried that I STILL won't have a job. Having been laid off in October due to the agency closing, I am still job-less. I feel more and more like a loser as the days go on because I don't feel productive. With the husband working nights, there's only so much cleaning I can do in our little apartment. Vacuuming is out, obviously, and even doing the dishes can get loud. And lets face it, cleaning is boring sometimes! The only time I like to clean is when I can blast some music and I can't do that when he's sleeping. I admire those moms that are stay at home and I wish I could do that, but I know right now I am not able to - or SHOULDN'T be able to. I don't want to stress out about it too much, because I literally make myself sick with worry about it. Worried I don't pull my own weight, worried I don't do my fair share....I know that the husband doesn't think that, and he knows the right job will come along soon, and until then, he's just as happy having me home and resting and baking the fraggle as he would be with me out and bringing home some money. It's my own mental breakdown, knowing I spent so much time (and money) on school and I have no job to show for it. My friend told me today that "unemployment doesn't mean unemployable" and it's true - she's 100% right and I need to remind myself of that. The economy is difficult right now and I need to be thankful and grateful that I have those employable skills that others may not have.

I discovered a consignment shop near my house today. I've never been in a consignment shop, but I have a feeling I will be visiting this place quite often. Honestly, when I walked in, it felt kind of magical. Not knowing boy or girl yet I wasn't going to spend money on any clothes or anything like that, but essential things, like a bathtub, was there and at a REALLY decent price. I bought some stuff, Lysol'd them and I am just waiting for the baby to make their appearance so I can use them!

I'm getting anxious to get the nursery done, but I also know that I'm only 18 weeks and still have some time to go. The husband doesn't want to do the registry until we find out the sex of the baby, which is fine - I've started one on Wal*Mart because I couldn't wait anymore! (He knows about it ... but he also knows I want to go to Babies R Us so we can use the gun!) I don't expect anyone to buy us anything - but I want the registry for myself so I can remember what I liked and what I want without having to go through the store or online a million times over. I want to get a crib in there, want to get the glider in there ... I feel like I'll feel like its more complete and more real once those two things are in there. I have the border up there, and I've done some things for the room, but I don't feel like it will be coming together or I'll know where to put some of those things until the big items are in there and I can set up around them. The teacher in me has a dream of having a book corner. I made a HUGE floor pillow (seriously ... huge ... it took an entire 5 lb bag of fiberfill to fill it up!) and I want it in the corner where the books are so that the fraggle and I have another place to sit and somewhere to go and read!

I have "so much time" left, but then I think there isn't that much time left! We're hitting half baked in a week and change --- and the first half FLEW by (of course, I'm sure the holidays had something to do with that) and we have to get through the winter, and with the potential for snow storms, I'm sure it will feel like it's dragging sometimes. I don't want it to be May 25th and I still have a laundry list of things to get done. On the TOP of my list of things to get done is to clean out my car! Seriously, I can't even believe how gross it is. There is just ... STUFF in it. I never took out the box(es) I filled when I cleaned out my office from my job - I somehow thought if I didn't bring it inside, then I would get another office really fast and just transfer it to my new one. My trunk is full .. of I don't know what. Stuff I put in there from when my parents basement flooded in March 2010. Just a LOT that I know I don't need most of anymore, I just haven't gotten around to cleaning it out. I SHOULD have done it when I found out we were expecting, but that would've been too easy! By the time its nice enough for me to want to do it, I'll have a belly reaching from here to Kentucky!